when angels fall with broken wings
by NineteenReasonsWhy
Summary: He doesn't think, he just acts and before Bucky can even take a breath, the man who knows his name is down, neck snapped, spine broken in three places. Bucky runs.
1. Chapter 1

**_Hello! I haven't posted on here in awhile, wow. Back in the dark ages of Glee, goodness. ANYWAY, I have this story posted over at A03, and I figured, hey, might as well post it on Fanfiction too, right? No harm in that._** _  
_

 ** _I hope you enjoy it! Do leave a review and let me know what you think of it! I'm pretty proud of this one, :)_**

 ** _enjoy!_**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Captain America, Steve Rogers, The Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes or anything else mentioned in this story. They belong to their rightful owners. This is purely a work of fiction for entertainment purposes.  
**

* * *

 _Mission Report, asset._

Mission? He had a – he had a mission. A mission. The man on the bridge. That was his mission.

That was his friend?

The man on the bridge was his friend? That's what he said.

 _"_ _You're my friend."_

You're _my_ friend.

He was a friend?

No.

He was an asset – a soldier; an assassin. He killed people, innocent people, children. He killed children because they got in the way.

 _Mission report, asset._

Mission report?

Mission failed.

* * *

He was a soldier. A machine made to destroy and kill anyone and anything that got in the way – The way of –

The way of what? The way of what? What was his mission?

He was a sold – a soldier. He was an asset. A machine.

A soldier? He was a soldier.

A soldier of what?

 _Stand down, asset._

He stands down. His left hand closes into a fist and he stands down – arms at his side, feet and legs together, back straight.

 _Very good, asset. Very good._

Good. He was good. He was a good… soldier? He was a good soldier.

 _Mission report, asset. Identify the target._

He blinks and feels hair fall into his eyes, catching in his eyelashes. He brushes them away, focusing on his mission report.

Mission: Steven Grant Rogers, Captain America. Kill or be killed. No room for failure. Captain America must be destroyed.

 _But you did fail, didn't you Asset? You didn't destroy Captain America._

He – no, he didn't. He didn't kill Captain America. Captain America, Steven Grant Rogers, is still alive. He pulled him out of the water; he saved him.

But why?

 _You're my friend._

 _You're_ my _friend._

 _You're_ _my_ friend.

He pulled him out of the water because he was his friend. He is a friend?

He is a friend.

* * *

He walks. It's dark, but he still walks. He walks until he can't walk anymore, until his legs give out under his weight and he crumples down onto the ground. His arm isn't working. It hasn't worked for a couple of days. At least he thinks it's been a couple of days, he couldn't be sure. They all bleed into each other, seeping into one long endless stream.

He gets up, pushing himself up with his human (is it human?) hand, letting out a grunt when it jolts with pain. Soon he's standing, his left arm (it is his left, right?) cradled against his chest. He looks around. Where was he? New York, he thinks. Last time he checked it was New York. But it was different. So very, very different.

"Hey!" He jumps, slipping on the wet pavement and knocking backwards into a dumpster. When he regains his balance, he looks towards the voice. It belongs to a man who he doesn't recognize.

"Hey!" The man says again, taking a step closer to him. He takes an instinctive step back, right into the dumpster.

"You're Bucky Barnes, aren't you? From the Howling Commandos?" The man moves closer, reaching his hand out.

Bucky freezes. This wasn't – this man wasn't a mission. This man wasn't –

Is he a mission?

"Uh, hello? Sergeant Barnes?"

 _Stand DOWN Sergeant Barnes._

 _Put Sergeant Barnes on ice. Teach him a lesson._

 _Put Sergeant Barnes in cryo._

He doesn't think, he just acts and before Bucky can even take a breath, the man who knows his name is down, neck snapped, spine broken in three places.

Bucky runs.

* * *

Eventually he stops. Partially because he needs oxygen in his lungs, and partially because he reaches a dead end. He holds his hand out against the wall, bending over to catch his breath.

That man. He knew him? Or, he knew his name? That man knew his name, but Bucky didn't know him.

Did he?

Bucky takes a deep breath and pushes himself up. He needs to go.

 _Go where, asset?_

Anywhere. Anywhere that's not here. Anywhere that's not _here._

 _Okay, asset. But we will still find you._

Bucky doesn't argue. He knows they will. He knows HYDRA (and he remembers now. HYDRA. It's always been HYDRA) will find him; that they won't stop until they do find him.

He hears them before he sees them. Ambulances and police cars and firetrucks. He remembers seeing them during missions. They're loud and fast, racing down the street in front of him. Someone must've found the man, spine broken, neck snapped. They're going to try and save him, because that's what they do, save people. But they'll be too late, he's already dead.

Because the Asset never fails a mission. (But that man. He wasn't a mission? He wasn't?)

Until he did.

Steven Grant Rogers, alias Captain America.

 _Mission report?_

Mission failed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Captain America, Steve Rogers, The Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes or anything else mentioned in this story. They belong to their rightful owners. This is purely a work of fiction for entertainment purposes.**

* * *

 _"_ _You're my friend."_

 _"_ _You're my mission!"_

 _"_ _Then finish it. Cause I'm with you 'till the end of the line."_

Bucky gasps and jolts awake, hitting his head against the concrete structure of the overpass. Hours (or maybe days?) have passed since he ran away from the man with the broken neck. He's been sleeping under bridges and overpasses and, if absolutely necessary, in shelters. The shelters are a last resort, though.

He can't risk being found.

 _Hello, asset. How did you sleep?_

He lies back down and covers his eyes. He tries to ignore the voice (HYDRA?) in his head.

He just wants to sleep.

 _You can't sleep, asset. You have to keep moving or Captain America will find you._

Steven Grant Rogers, Captain America. Kill or be killed. No room for failure. Captain America must be destroyed.

Mission _failed._

Why would Captain America want to find him?

 _You're my friend._

Friend. He is Captain America's friend. The Asset is a friend?

No.

Bucky Barnes is a friend. But, who is Bucky Barnes?

 _You are the Asset. Bucky Barnes is dead, died in 1944. If Captain America finds you, you will be handed over. You don't want to be handed over._

Handed over? Handed over to who? He doesn't want to be handed over. He is Bucky Barnes, isn't he? Bucky Barnes, Captain America's friend.

 _Your name is James Buchanan Barnes. You are my friend._

James Buchanan Barnes.

The man on the bridge (Captain America) said his name is James Buchanan Barnes, and he is his friend.

 _Get up, asset._

He gets up. A soldier must obey, and he is a soldier.

(But he is also James Buchanan Barnes.)

He stands. He tries to move his left arm, but it doesn't move. It doesn't work. It's broken.

Broken like James Buchanan Barnes.

 _Start moving, asset._

He moves. He starts walking. He starts walking and his left arm is still broken. He starts walking and his right arm starts to go numb. He starts walking and his legs begin to shake, his stomach begins to hurt, and his head begins to pound. He's been out of the cold too long, too long.

He stumbles and tries to right himself without falling over. His legs don't want to work anymore, his whole body is shutting down.

 _Keep walking, asset. Or Captain America will catch up to you._

Captain America will catch up. Isn't that a good thing? Doesn't the Soldier want Captain America to catch up to him? Captain America, alias Steven Grant Rogers can help him.

He is his friend.

 _You are my friend._

He stops when he gets to an abandoned street. Why is it abandoned? Where are the people? Did he kill them all, too? Were they all missions?

His legs start shaking and he drops to the ground, catching his weight on his human (it is human. It is) hand. He hears a snap but doesn't register the pain.

 _Get up, asset._

He can't.

He _can't._

 _Get up, asset or there will be consequences._

Consequences – he remembers those. There is pain, so much pain. And memories? A skinny, blonde haired boy with pale skin and fevered cheeks. Was he a consequence?

The boy – he looks familiar. He looks so familiar.

Was he a mission? Did the Soldier slit his throat? Break his rips? Slice open his paper thin skin? He hopes not. This boy seems different.

He hopes he isn't dead.

"I'm telling you, Sam. It was Bucky, I know it was." The Asset freezes. He recognizes that voice.

He knows that voice.

"Steve. He snapped a guys neck and broke his spine. From what you've told me about Bucky, it wasn't him. It was the Winter Soldier."

"Yeah but-"

The voices stop. The Asset looks up and he sees _Captain America, alias Steven Grant Roger_ s and a familiar looking man (he had wings. The Soldier remembers he had wings) staring at him, their eyes wide.

He tries to push himself off the ground but he can't. His legs won't move and his arm is broken. His arm is broken. It's broken.

"Bucky," The Soldier looks up. Captain America, alias Steven Grant Rogers is looking at him. He looks like he wants to move towards the Soldier but the man who the Soldier remembers had wings stops him.

"Bucky," the man who had wings says.

"N-" the Asset stops. Captain America and the man who had wings look at him. He tries again. "No."

Captain America opens his mouth to say something but the man who had wings stops him.

"No? No what?" The Asset looks at him. The man who had wings looks back.

"That's not – that's not my name," the man who had wings and Captain America share a look.

"Okay," the man who had wings says before Captain America can say anything. "Then what is your name?" The Asset looks at Captain America, who is looking back at him, blue eyes wide.

"You said my name is James Buchanan Barnes. But James Buchanan Barnes is dead. How can I be a dead person?"

Captain America looks like the Asset just punched him in the gut.

The man who had wings takes a step closer and the Asset moves back, dragging his left arm on the pavement. The man who had wings stops.

"I won't try and move closer. I'm sorry," he apologizes and the Asset just looks at him. "If James Buchanan Barnes is dead, and Bucky isn't your name, what is your name?" He asks.

The Asset blinks.

Name? They never called him anything except –

"Asset," he says finally. "My name is Asset."

"Buck, that's not –" Captain America starts but cuts himself off when the man with wings looks at him.

"Your name is Asset." The Asset nods. "Okay. My name is Sam."

"You had wings," the Asset interrupts, before turning his head. If you interrupt, you get hit. So he waits. But it doesn't come.

"I did have wings," the man who had wings (Sam. His name is Sam) says. He pauses.

"But you don't anymore. Because I ripped them off."

Sam doesn't look mad at him. But he ripped his wings. That is not tolerated.

"That's okay," Sam says. He's still holding Captain America back. "They weren't that great anyway."

The Asset nods. Sam isn't mad.

"I-"the Asset begins. He's not allowed to speak out of turn. _Don't speak unless spoken too._

"Yes?" Sam asks, curling his fingers into Captain America's shirt, who looks like he wants to run to the Asset.

"I think my arm is – my arm is broken?" The Asset looks down at his arm. It is hanging limply by his side, the fingers curled into a fist. He can't feel it. "It doesn't work."

"We can fix it Bucky." The Asset looks at Captain America. It seems that Sam thinks he won't do anything drastic because he's not holding him back anymore. "We can fix it."

The Asset opens his mouth to say something but suddenly feels something wet pooling beneath his fingers. He looks down and sees red.

Captain America and Sam must see it too because Captain America tries to step towards him, but Sam holds him back again. Instead, Sam talks to him.

"Asset?" The Asset nods, still staring at the red that is beneath his fingers. "Why are you bleeding?"

Bleeding? He's bleeding? He curls his hand into a fist and pain surges up his arm. When he uncurls it, his hand is covered in red.

He's bleeding.

"I don't-" he stops himself, reaching onto the ground beside him. His knife – the one with the perfect handle, is laying there, blood dripping from his arm onto it. "I cut myself. On my knife." He watches as the blood slowly flows from the cut on his arm and falls onto the knife with a soft _tink_.

"Bucky, please." Captain America is pleading with him. With his friend? The Soldier doesn't know if that's true anymore.

"Let us help you. We can help you, Sam and I." The Assey hesitates. HYDRA said that Captain America would turn him over. Over to who? To HYDRA? To SHIELD? He doesn't know.

"You're going to turn me over," he says instead. He's starting to feel funny. Don't humans who lose a lot of blood start to feel funny? "They said that you're going to turn me over."

"Who said that? _Who_ said that, Bucky?" The Asset doesn't know. "Because I can promise you – here and now, that I will never, as long as I am alive, hand you over to anyone or anything."

He sounds so sincere that the Asset almost believes him.

Almost.

"No. I don't believe you," the Asset tries to get up again. He manages to make it to his knees before he starts to feel funny again.

"Bucky don't. Please don't leave." Captain America keeps pleading. The Soldier wants to believe him but-

"Was it HYDRA?" The Asset startles. He had forgotten that Sam was there. "Was HYDRA the one that told you Steve would turn you in?"

Yes.

"Because," Sam continues, hand still splayed on Captain America's chest. "I can promise you, not as Sam Wilson, but as a friend, that that will never happen."

"Friend?"

"Yeah, Buck. Friend. We're you're friends and we-" Captain America pauses, and the Soldier watches as his tongue darts out to wet his lips. "We want to help you."

The Asset hesitates. He still feels funny, and the blood dripping down his arm is starting to itch and his arm is broken. His arm is broken, and he doesn't want it to be broken anymore.

When he looks back up at Captain America and Sam, the man who had wings, he can feel tears form in his eyes.

"Please don't hand me over. I don't want to go back. I don't. Please." He squeezes his eyes shut.

When he opens them again, Captain America is on his knees in front of him, hands hovering but not touching. Tears are in his eyes, too.

"I won't. I promise I won't. You're safe. You're safe."

He's safe.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Captain America, Steve Rogers, The Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes or anything else mentioned in this story. They belong to their rightful owners. This is purely a work of fiction for entertainment purposes.**

* * *

Captain America and Sam take the Asset back to their hotel. They bandage his cut and put his left arm in a sling before leaving him on one of the beds and going into the other room. The Asset listens as they talk quietly to each other. He can make out his (Bucky's?) name more than a couple of times before they get too quiet.

He doesn't sleep. He listens to Captain America and Sam move around in the other room, both getting ready to go to sleep themselves. He stays awake, laying on his back, looking at the ceiling. His eyes feel heavy, but he doesn't sleep. If he sleeps he dreams, and he can't dream. He can't go back.

 _You can never leave, soldier._

He can never leave. He can't.

* * *

Captain America comes to get him the next morning. He looks like he hasn't slept which the Asset would guess he hadn't. He heard Captain America up every hour.

"Morning, Buck." Captain America still calls him by the (dead?) mans name. Sam doesn't. "Did you sleep well?"

The Asset just looks at him and Captain America sighs, running a hand through his hair.

"I'll take that as a no." Captain America looks tired. He looks very tired.

"Are we-" the Asset begins but stops. He stands from the bed and looks at the wall.

"Are we what, Bucky?" The Asset bites his lip.

"Are we going back to HYDRA?" Captain America looks like he stops breathing for a second. His lips part open and his eyes go wide.

"What?"

"HYDRA. Are we going back?" Captain America shakes his head, and the Asset wonders why he looks so upset.

"No. No, we're not," he sighs, and the Asset watches as his he rubs a hand across his eyes. "You're never going back."

Captain America drops his hand and opens his eyes, looking right at the Asset.

"You're never going back, Bucky. They're never going to get you back."

He sounds so sure that the Asset is dreading the day he finds out he's wrong.

* * *

They don't go back to HYDRA.

They go to a place called Stark Tower, and if the name sounds familiar, the Asset can't understand why.

"Bucky?" Captain America is close – not close enough for him to touch, but close enough to feel the way the wind shifts when he talks. "Bucky, I need you to promise me something, okay?"

The Asset feels like he will promise Captain America anything.

"Okay." Captain America sighs (he seems to be doing that a lot, ever since the Asset came along) and gives the Asset a smile.

"When we go inside, you may see some people that may… trigger a memory. But I want you to promise me that you won't, under any circumstance, hurt any of them, or yourself."

The Asset doesn't know why Captain America is asking him not to hurt himself. He's the enemy, isn't he?

 _Yes. Yes, soldier. You are the enemy._

Captain America is still looking at him so the Asset nods.

"Okay. I promise."

* * *

He keeps his promise.

He doesn't hurt anyone in the tower or himself.

He makes it to his and Captain America's (they share an apartment? Is that a good idea?) apartment before the first memory triggers.

 _Stark. Howard Stark. Howard and Maria Stark. They died in a car accident. A planned death staged to look like an accident. A death that the Winter Soldier saw through. He did it. He killed Stark._

The Asset gasps and stumbles back, his legs hitting the end of the couch. He killed Stark?

Howard Stark? Maria Stark? He killed Anthony Stark's parents?

He killed Anthony Stark's parents.

Oh God.

The Asset drags himself to a corner and sits down. He killed Anthony Stark's parents. He killed them and made it look like an accident and now Anthony Stark is letting him, the person that killed his parents, stay in his tower.

He has to leave. He has to leave. He has to-

"Sergeant Barnes?" The Asset jumps. He hadn't heard anyone come in. Where is that- "I'm sorry to have startled you. It's just me, JARVIS."

Oh. JARVIS. The one that controls the house. Okay. The Asset can handle that.

"It's okay," he says once he can get his breathing back under control. "It's okay."

"I notice that you seem to be upset about something. Do I have to get Captain Rogers or S-"

"No!" The Asset interrupts loudly. He lowers his voice. "No. m'okay. Just remembering." He hopes JARVIS will leave him alone.

"Very well, Sergeant Barnes," JARVIS says and the Asset lets out a breath. "If you need anything, do not hesitate to ask."

The Asset nods. He won't, but its nice of JARVIS to offer.

 _You killed Anthony Stark's parents. Not the Winter Soldier, you. Because you are the Winter Soldier. And you can never escape that._

He is the Winter Soldier.

He killed Anthony Stark's parents.

He can never escape that.

* * *

He leaves.

He doesn't have a bag or clothes or anything that is solely his, so he doesn't have to worry about leaving anything behind. He tells JARVIS not to tell Captain America or Sam because he knows if they find out before he gets out of New York, they will try and stop him.

They can't. He killed Anthony Stark's parents and he is the Winter Soldier and they can't stop him. They can't help him.

He steps out of the doors and stops. It's cold. He doesn't realize how much he misses the cold until he feels the wind nip at his cheeks.

He misses the cold.

He hears movement from within the tower and can hear Captain America's muffled voice. He swears under his breath. JARVIS didn't listen to him. He has to move.

He runs. His left arm is still in a sling (and dammit, why didn't he have them fix it?) but his right arm has healed, so he rips the bandage off. He flexes his arm and curls his hand into a fist. It doesn't hurt anymore. That's good.

He continues running. He runs through a park (Central Park?) and runs past buildings and trees and people. Nobody gives him a second glance, for which he is thankful. He doesn't want anyone looking at him.

He continues running until he makes it to a road. He watches as cars race past. He steps onto the side of the road and begins walking. He doesn't know where he's going, or how long he can walk for. All he knows is that he needs to leave New York.

He doesn't make it very far before he hears Captain America.

"Bucky!" He doesn't stop. He can't. "Stop! Dammit Bucky, stop!" He stops.

 _Stop, asset. That's an order._

It's an order. He must obey orders.

He listens as Captain America catches up to him; he stops a few feet away.

"Bucky, turn around please." The Asset turns. Captain America has his hands on his legs, trying to get air into his lungs. When he finally gets enough breath, he straightens up. He looks at the Asset but doesn't say anything. The Asset starts to squirm. He doesn't like that look.

Eventually, Captain America speaks.

"Do you want to tell me why you took off and decided not to tell anyone?" He doesn't sound angry – just tired. The Asset knows that's his fault.

"I killed Anthony Stark's parents. I had to leave." He answers mechanically, like the good soldier he is. Captain America makes a sound in the back of his throat.

"Tony knows that the _Winter Soldie_ r killed his parents, Bucky. You didn't." Captain America's voice is soft. "You didn't kill them, Bucky. You had no control over what HYDRA made you do. Tony doesn't blame you." The Asset stays silent. He knows it's counterproductive to argue with Captain America. He doesn't believe him. He knows that everything the Winter Soldier did is everything that he did, too. Because he is the Winter Soldier.

He still goes back to the tower with Captain America, though.

* * *

Captain America doesn't let the Asset out of his sight once they get back to the tower. He goes to the apartment with him and even sleeps in a chair in the corner of the bedroom. It should probably annoy him and make him want to kill Captain America, but it doesn't. For some reason, he just can't bring himself to care.

When Sam comes over the next morning, Captain America makes sure he can see the Asset from where he's standing in the kitchen.

"I'm telling you, Sam. Bucky thinks that things he did as the Winter Soldier are his fault."

"Well, to him that's probably true. He thinks that the things he did and the people he was told to kill were done out of his own free will, because that's what HYDRA made him believe."

"Yeah but-"

"You can't tell him that what he thinks and feels is wrong, Steve. You can't sit there and tell him that what happened wasn't his fault if that's what he truly believes. He lived as the Winter soldier – as HYDRA's weapon for over 70 years. You can't erase that with a snap of your fingers."

The Asset tunes them out after that. He likes Sam. Sam told Captain America (Steve?) that he was wrong. He knows how the Asset is feeling.

The Asset sighs and lays down on the couch. He doesn't want to sleep, but there isn't anything else he can do. Besides, even if HYDRA finds him and tries to take him back, Steve (he's Steve now, not Captain America, and the Asset doesn't know why) promised he wouldn't let them take the Asset again. But does he still mean it? He wants to know but he's scared of the answer.

He asks anyway.

"Steve?" The voices in the kitchen stop and Steve appears in front of him.

"Yeah, Buck?" If he's happy about the Asset calling him by his name, he doesn't show it. "What is it?"

The Asset bites his lip. He wants to sleep but he's scared of HYDRA and dreaming and remembering and-

"Bucky?"

"Earlier, when you said that I never have to go back to HYDRA-" the Asset pauses, looks down at his metal fingers and continues. "Did you mean it?" Steve kneels beside the couch but keeps a safe distance between himself and the Asset.

"Of course I did, Buck," he reaches his hand out and places it on the couch cushion between them – close enough for the Asset to reach out and touch him if he wants. "You never have to go back. I'll never let them take you back." The Asset nods.

"I'm tired but-" he stops and looks down at Steve's hand that's resting a little ways away from him. "I'm scared." He doesn't know why or what part of him makes his hand reach out to grab Steve's, but he does, and it's only when he does that he can feel his hands shaking. "I'm really scared." He squeezes his eyes shut. "Everytime I close my eyes, I can see them. I see them standing over me – taking notes and whispering and I can feel their hands on me and I can see them pushing me back against the chair and Steve, I don't want to go back." He feels Steve squeeze his hand and when he opens his eyes again, Steve's own are glistening with unshed tears. "I don't want to go back."

"I want you to listen to me, alright?" Steve takes a deep breath and the Asset watches as his chest expands. "You are never, under any circumstance, going back to HYDRA. Ever. They are never going to hurt you again, and they sure as hell are never going to use you again." Steve uses his other hand to gently brush hair out of the Asset's face. "You are safe here, Bucky. You have me and Sam and Tony and everyone else who is going to keep you safe. You never have to worry about that." Steve's hand moves from the Asset's (Bucky? He is Bucky) hair to his cheek, and the Asset (Bucky) can't help but lean into it. "Sleep. I promise nothing is going to happen to you."

"D'you double promise?" The Asset can feel his eyes dropping, and he lets them close. He can feel Steve's thumb run soothingly along his knuckles and his thumb stroke his cheek.

"I double promise."


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Captain America, Steve Rogers, The Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes or anything else mentioned in this story. They belong to their rightful owners. This is purely a work of fiction for entertainment purposes.**

* * *

The Asset doesn't leave the apartment he shares with Steve for days. He doesn't want too. Steve leaves every morning to go on a run with Sam but not before he tells the Asset that he has his cellphone on him and that Bucky should not hesitate to call him if there's a problem. He won't, but if it makes Steve a little more comfortable, the Asset will tell him what he wants to hear.

"I'll be back soon, okay Bucky?" The Asset nods but doesn't look from where he's staring at the blank TV screen. He's been doing that a lot and he knows that Steve's starting to worry about him. He hears what he says to Sam. He always talks to Sam about the Asset.

Steve sighs and the Asset listens as he grabs his keys and phone from the counter before closing the door gently as he leaves.

Once Steve's gone the Asset leans back against the couch and sighs. He doesn't know why, but he's beginning to think of himself less as The Asset and more as Bucky Barnes, which is crazy because Bucky Barnes is dead.

Right?

"What am I doing?" The Asset says to the empty room. His own voice even scares him sometimes. He rarely talks – only speaking when spoken too. That's the rule. Always has been.

But it's different here, he realizes. It's not the same as being with HYDRA. Here he's allowed to ask for things. He's cold? He can ask for a blanket. He's hungry? He can ask for something to eat. He's tired? He can ask if it's okay to lie down. It's a polar opposite from HYDRA.

It's making him go insane.

He lets out another sigh and shifts his position so he's laying on his side, his arm hanging over the edge of the couch. He's been sleeping a lot lately, ever since he let his guard down around Steve. It's crazy, if he's being totally honest, that the only time he's able to feel safe and content is with the person who he was sent to kill.

Life is crazy sometimes, isn't it?

* * *

He must doze off, because the next time he wakes up he can hear voices coming from the kitchen. It's an attribute of how much his persona has changed that he doesn't even flinch because he knows it's just Steve and Sam. Probably talking about him. That's usually what they talk about.

He shifts and the blanket that Steve must've laid on him slips off. He grabs it in his metal hand before it can fall on the floor. It's a pretty blanket. Steve said his mom knit it way back when and he was somehow able to get it from the Smithsonian. He also says that they used to curl up under it during the cold winters when they couldn't afford heat.

The Asset wishes he could remember. The memories that Steve has of them – he wishes that he did, too.

"I'm telling you, Sam. He's beginning to remember. I know he is."

"Steve –"

"No, stop. I know what you're going to say and you're wrong. It's Bucky in there, not Hydra's asset. It's _Bucky_ , Sam."

The Asset can hear Sam sigh and he knows that he's getting fed up with Steve.

"Okay," Sam says finally after a long period of silence. "Say that _is_ Bucky in there. What is that going to change? Is everything that happened-" Sam cuts himself off before continuing. "The past 70 years, is that going to just be erased because he's Bucky?"

"No bu-"

"Steve," Sam sighs again and the Asset buries himself deeper into the couch. "I know you want your best friend back, I do. But man, you have to realize something: the best friend you had before – before HYDRA, before Zola, before the _war_ , he's gone. He's gone and he's not coming back. But you know what else? The guy that's in there, whether he's Bucky Barnes or Hydra's Asset or a combination of both, he's still a person who trusts you to help him and lead him in the right direction."

Steve sighs and the Asset can picture his shoulders falling back – all the fight sucked out of him.

"I know," Steve says quietly and the Asset has to squeeze his eyes shut and bite his tongue. "I know, Sam. I just –" Steve pauses. "I just want Bucky to be okay."

 _That's all I want, too._

* * *

The Asset stays curled up on the couch under the blanket that Steve's mom knit. Sam and Steve stop talking loudly, but the Asset can still hear them talking _quietly_ every once in awhile. He tunes them out and buries his face deeper into the pillow. He knows that Steve wants his best friend back, he does. And he wants to give him back to Steve – but he can't. He can't give Bucky Barnes back to Steve Rogers because Bucky Barnes doesn't exist anymore. He died in 1944.

The Asset hears movement from the kitchen – chairs being pushed back against marble floor, glasses clinking together as they are put in the sink. Sam and Steve must be finished with their conversation. He sighs and pulls the blanket over his head.

"Thanks for coming over, Sam," Steve says. His voice is closer now, which means he and Sam are at the front door. "I appreciate it."

"Don't mention it, man. If you need anything else…" Sam trails off, but the Asset knows Steve is nodding his head.

"I'll call you. I promise." The Asset is expecting to hear the door open but it doesn't, and his curiosity almost gets the best of him to see what's going on, but he decides to stay under his blanket cocoon.

"Take care of him, alright? He needs all the help and support he can get, Steve," Sam says finally, and the Asset can feel his heart jump. "He's been through a lot."

"You're telling me," Steve spits out, his voice pitched low and dark. "I'm not going to lose him again. I'm _not_."

Exhaustion finally gets the best of him, and the Asset drifts off, Steve's words echoing in his head.

 _I'm not going to lose him again. I'm not._

* * *

The Asset stays asleep for a few hours, and when he wakes up, he can hear the TV playing softly in the background. He shifts and the blanket falls onto the floor causing him to shiver. It's funny how you never know how cold it is until you leave the warmth of the covers.

"Hey, Buck." Steve is sitting on the chair beside the couch where the Asset is laying. He has a sketchbook in his lap, pencil hovering over the page. He gives the Asset a warm smile. "You've been asleep for awhile. Are you feeling okay?"

The Asset wants to say no, he doesn't feel okay. He wants to say that it feels like he's suffocating every time Steve looks at him because something inside of him remembers that look but he doesn't know where or how strong that part is. He wants to say everything and nothing at the same time.

Instead he says:

"You still draw?"

Steve looks surprised and almost drops his pencil, but he regains his composure.

"I – yeah. I still draw," he flips the book closed and puts it on the coffee table. Steve shifts positions so he's facing the Asset, who is still laying on the couch. "You remember?" The Asset nods.

"Kind of," he explains. "I remember that you used to draw all the time because there wasn't anything else you could do while I was working at the docks." He stops and can feel a lopsided smile form on his face. "I also remember that you wanted to draw me but I could never sit still long enough." Steve looks like he's about to cry and the Asset has to look away. He remembers that look, too.

"Oh Buck," Steve breathes out. His hand is hovering over where the Asset is lying, and he hesitates a second, before placing it on the Assets leg. "You're right. I did used to want to draw you, but you wouldn't have any of it." Steve smiles and the Asset can't help but to return it back. "You used to always tell me to spend my time drawing something important, which usually consisted of the fruit we had laying around or Ms. Cobbles cat that always wandered into the open door." The Asset nods because he remembers that – the detailed drawings of the bananas he and Steve just picked up the previous day, or of the black and white fur ball that almost always somehow ended up on the couch, and then its fur onto their clothes.

Steve lifts his hand from the Assets leg and picks up his sketchbook, flipping it open to the page he was working on before the Asset had woken up. He hands it over gently, and the Asset looks it over.

It's of him, or at least the part of him Steve could see sticking out of the blanket. He's sleeping, and there's an expression of calm and serenity on his face. The blanket is pulled up to his chin, and his metal arm is hanging over the side of the couch.

"I guess I finally got to draw you, huh Buck?" The Asset swallows and nods.

Yeah. Yeah, he did.


End file.
